Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Turkeys Refuse Ceremonial White House Pardon

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In yet another publicity blow to the beleaguered Bush administration, both National Thanksgiving Turkeys have refused the ceremonial pardon traditionally given by the president. The turkeys, named Marshmallow and Yam, were selected for the eleventh-hour Thanksgiving reprieve based on a White House web-site poll.

"Yam and I talked it over and, well, Bush just isn't our kind of guy," said Marshmallow, in an interview before he was taken away. "I mean, let's face it, if these guys ran the election for the pardon, who's to say it wasn't rigged? Maybe some other turkey should have been up here – hey, you notice both Yam and me are white, right?"

The White House expressed disappointment in the turkeys' decision to turn down the ceremonial pardon and suggested a possible partisan motivation.

"It's no secret that Mr. Marshmallow met with Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and has had coffee with Cindy Sheehan," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Other than that, this is an ongoing investigation and I can't comment any further."

Yam is wrestled to ground after refusing presidential pardon

The 35-pound Yam said his main problem is with Bush himself.

"Let's face it, I'm a turkey and even I can see that this guy Bush is whack – and not the sharpest knife in the drawer," said the doomed gobbler. "I was really a Gore guy in 2000. I would accept a pardon from him or Kerry."

Meanwhile, the Minnesota farmer who raised the two turkeys wasn't surprised at the actions taken by the birds.

"They've spent a lot of time in their coop listening to Air America, so this doesn't really surprise me," said the farmer. "But it does seem odd that they would choose certain death over accepting a favor from the president."

The courageous birds said they have no regrets.

"Part of me wishes I hadn't stuck my neck out like this – no pun intended," said Marshmallow. "But even a turkey has some dignity and I'm not accepting any favors from that idiot."