Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Republican-Spin Drinking Game

Hey, gang, the weekend's almost here and what better way to forget you temporarily live in GOP-America than to drink so much that Michelle Malkin begins looking attractive and Sean Hannity starts to sound smart? As a public service toward that end, the Yellow Dog Blog presents the Republican-Spin Drinking Game.

Here's how it works: If you don't have a well-stocked liquor cabinet, go to your favorite watering hole at, say, 4:00 PM or so on Friday and ask them to tune the television to MSNBC or CNN. Then, start the mayhem!

1. Take a giant swig of your drink every time a Bush administration official says anything having to do with GOP corruption is "part of an ongoing investigation."

2. Down a shot of Rumpleminze every time a Republican calls for an "up or down vote" on a judicial nominee. Warning: eliminate this component of game if Alito confirmations have begun.

3. Take a very small sip of your beverage every time you hear the phrase "Iraq is the central front in the war on terror." You'll hear this one a lot, so pace yourself.

4. If you notice any Republican saying "retreat and defeat" and/or "cut and run" take a good, long drink of water. This will keep you hydrated as you'll hear these all night.

5. Take a stiff belt of Jack Daniels every time you hear a member of the GOP refer to the "liberal Democrats in Congress" or to Democrats as "the party of no ideas." Also, pop an OxyContin or two in honor of Rush Limbaugh.

6. Take a slug of a low-alcohol aperitif every time you notice references like "the war came to America in 2001," "September 11" or "9/11." You need to last until at least midnight – don't be stupid.

7. Any variant of "spreading freedom" or "freedom on the march": Chug a beer. If they add "democracy" to any "freedom" reference, add a shot of Cuervo Gold.

8. If any GOP enemy – foreign or domestic – is accused of "hating our freedom" or launching an "out-of-touch attack," eat some brie on a baguette and wash it down with some real Bordeaux – that really pisses off the Far Right.

9. If you hear the phrase "artificial timetables," do a shot of Jagermeister. Spin on your bar stool five times. Try not to vomit on the right-winger next to you.

10. Listen for any references to "completing the mission" or "nothing less than complete victory." If you hear those, chug a full Boilermaker and yell "Hooyah!" at the top of your lungs.

There you have it. A couple of caveats:
  • Do not play this game while watching Fox News or any press briefing with Scott McClellan, lest you end up in the emergency room with alcohol poisoning.
  • Do not compete with a Republican. They are so accustomed to hearing and absorbing these empty phrases that they won't notice the bulk of them. You'll get drunk while they just sit there slobbering and staring at the TV.
  • Do not plan on driving home. These words are all the Republicans have got – so it's gonna be a long night.
Have fun – and be safe.