Friday, August 25, 2006

Reader Mail: The Friday Fruitcakes

Well, it's Friday, which means it's time to look in the old mailbag and see what conservative Nobel Laureate or Fox News devotee tries to give me my comeuppance this week.

While this week was quite the grab bag and it was hard to weed through the mostly-illiterate lot, here's some examples of the correspondence sent to me and the most sincere responses I can muster.

Mr. Robert Lackey writes:
lamont looks like that crazy guy on TV who claims he killed jon benet
To which I reply….

Dear Robert,

First of all, a basic rule of life is that, if you're a guy named "Lackey," you shouldn't be making fun of anyone else. Second, I took a look at many pictures of Democratic Senatorial nominee Ned Lamont and just flat-out can't see the resemblance you claim.

However, I did do some legwork to track down a photo of you and the best I could find was an old high school yearbook photo from the 1977 Rancho Cucamonga Centurion and, well, you take a look. Here's John Mark Karr:

And here's your 1977 senior picture.

Now, I'm no expert in this field, but it looks to me like…. Naw, couldn’t be.

* * * * *

In an e-mail with the subject line BYE BYE MUTHA MURTHA, "Neal" opines:
Yet another fat-assed lib traitor … bites the dust!

TRY JUST ONCE … NOT TO RUN A LIBTARDO TRAITOR for any political office!

And I say…

Dear Neal;

I'm not quite sure what you mean by Congressman John Murtha being on the road to biting the dust but, as I so often am forced to do with you semi-literate right-wingers writing to me, I'll try to figure out what your babbling means.

I assume that you believe that Murtha's dim-witted Republican challenger, Diana Irey, will prevail in the November 7 general election and remove Murtha from his seat in the House of Representatives.

So I'll tell you what: Since there's no way you would just talk trash without the willingness to back it up, I'm willing to make you a straight-up wager of $500.00 on the race in Pennsylvania's 12th district. I believe that Murtha, the man you say will "bite the dust," will win. I'll take him. You take the vacuous Ms. Irey.


And, if you're the age suggested by your writing ability, please ask your Mommy and Daddy before making this wager.

* * * * *

A real humanitarian, Mr. Jason Worley, writes:
While searching minimum wage rates by state, I came across your site (opinion). Who really cares if high school students, uneducated workers and illegals get an increase in their wages? They should continue their education and not depend on politicians to give them a raise. The people who work for these low wages are probably getting other forms of taxpayer-funded assistance, so I don't really feel sorry for the non go-getters.
To which I reply:

Dear Jason;

Your thoughts are so filled with bigoted, pre-judging nonsense that it’s difficult to know where to begin. So I'll simply say that it's not really appropriate for someone who has had it so easy in life to judge others this harshly.

After all, you were raised in the comfort of an upper-middle class household with a mother who was able to stay home with you and a father who brought home a hefty, six-figure salary with generous benefits. As kind of a slacker and never much of a student, your high school grades were, to put it mildly, disappointing. But given the choice of college or putting your life on the line in the military, you opted to use Daddy's connections and got into a fine university.

While it took you six years to make it through college, with a GPA that made your high school grades look positively stellar, your prestigious school, and plentiful contacts with the fathers of your fraternity brothers, landed you a cushy job. While hardly qualified for your chosen profession -- and despite a lack of work ethic bred by years of having everything given to you -- you've managed to kiss enough butt to "work" your way up the ladder, into a lucrative senior-management position with your father-in-law's company.

This is you isn't it, Jason? Because if it isn't, my making these kinds of judgments despite not even knowing you or your real circumstances would make me a complete idiot and an asshole -- wouldn't it?

* * * * *

Tune in next time for another edition of the Friday Fruitcakes. And, for you hateful, self-loathing Republicans – keep those cards, letter and e-mails coming.

You can reach Bob Geiger at