Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Turkeys Again Refuse Ceremonial White House Pardon

Struggling to absorb his own abysmal approval ratings and the Republican party's landslide defeat in the midterm elections, George W. Bush took another shot to the gut today when both birds designated by Bush as the National Thanksgiving Turkeys, refused the president's ceremonial "pardon."

"Flyer" and "Fryer" who hail from the Lynn Nutt farm in Monett, Missouri, were formally pardoned by Bush in a ceremony today at the White House, marking the 59th anniversary of the Thanksgiving tradition.

But both white-feathered birds made it clear that they would refuse the president's pardon, citing fundamental disagreements with Bush-administration policies and the legacy of last year's pardon recipients, "Yam" and "Marshmallow," who broke new ground in the turkey community by spurning Bush in 2005.

"This wasn't an easy decision. I mean, hey, I used to be a Republican," said a pugnacious Fryer in an interview on Tuesday evening. "But this guy Bush being both a Chickenhawk and a lame duck is an insult to all birds. Even turkeys have standards."

The event began awkwardly when this exchange occurred between Flyer and Bush:
Bush: Flyer's probably wondering where he's going to wind up tomorrow. He's probably thinking he's going to end up on somebody's table (Laughter.)

Flyer: Bite me.
The other turkey, Fryer, was barred from attending today's ceremony while a clearly-drugged Flyer attempted a strong peck at Bush and was quickly restrained by alert Secret Service agents.

"This is bullshit, man," gobbled Flyer as he was wrestled to the ground by the White House security detail. "Don’t let the world forget me!"

White House spokesman Tony Snow said that the president found the birds' stance "disappointing" and that, like last year's turkeys, Flyer and Fryer had a clear partisan agenda.

"This is a well-orchestrated attempt by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to distract attention from the pro-bird compassion that has characterized this administration," said Snow. "It's unfortunate that Flyer and Fryer have chosen to align themselves with Michael Moore and the far left-wing of the Democratic party."

Meanwhile, "Corn" and "Copia" who received 21 percent of the vote on the White House web site to Flyer and Fryer's 27 percent, accepted their certain death sentence, while claiming voter fraud.

"Duh, it's the Republican party running this election," said Copia, in a defiant, farewell press conference, after narrowly losing the eleventh-hour reprieve . "Don’t think for a minute that Diebold's hands aren't all over these results."

Fryer, who was kept from the ceremony by the Secret Service and Bush's dog, Barney, says he expects the same fate as Yam and Marshmallow, who he claims were waterboarded in the White House pool before having their necks wrung following the tumultuous 2005 ceremony.

"Everyone knows Cheney couldn’t wait to get his hands on Yam," said the 33-pound Fryer, as White House staffers struggled to muzzle him. "And it's common knowledge that Marshmallow spent six months at Guantanamo Bay before he became turkey nuggets."

And Flyer, who was forced to endure the Rose-Garden ceremony for the sake of the press and the assembled Girl Scouts, expressed no regrets as he was led away.

"Bush is an enormous tool," said Flyer. "I'm not crazy about ending up on someone's table tomorrow, but I'm not accepting any favors from that idiot."