When I’d Want Scott McClellan As My Best Friend

While I don’t think he’s much of an American, the one time I would really want White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan in my corner would be to cover for me if I were a cheating husband and my wife was catching on. If McClellan were my best friend, I’m thinking it would go something like this:

Wife: Scott, where’s Bob?

McClellan: I’m sorry, define “Bob”

Wife: My husband.

McClellan: OK, well, you might want to go and look at our Strategy for Happy Marriage document at iamaweasel.com and look it up. It talks about your concerns about our progress on that front and the possible whereabouts of this “Bob" of which you speak.

Wife: What??? I just want to know where my husband is. I know he’s with another woman.

McClellan: Well, as I think you know, I can’t speak for the roughly 150 million women in America, but I feel confident saying that the vast majority of them would find no reasons for your assertions and ---

Wife: Just tell me where he is!

McClellan: Let me say this one more time: If Bob were not where he is right now, we would be fighting the terrorists here instead of in Iraq and --

Wife: [angrier] Are you insane???

McClellan: I don’t see what that really has to do with anything and these personal attacks are hardly productive.

Wife: [much angier] I have pictures, from a private detective, of you driving him and another woman to a motel!

McClellan: That may be true, but is that more important than going after the violent extremists, rejectionists and Saddamists who attacked us on September 11th?

Wife: You're covering for that bastard, aren't you?

McClellan: Well, since you're looking into this, I think you know I can't comment on an ongoing investigation and --

Wife: I have proof.

McClellan: That’s exactly the kind of blame-gaming and finger-pointing the American people have rejected.

[fade to black]

Sometimes it’s good to have friends in slimy places.