Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Blogger Confesses to Kennedy Assassination

I'm putting Markos Moulitsas ZĂșniga (DailyKos), John Amato (Crooks & Liars), Duncan Black (Eschaton), John Aravosis (AMERICAblog) and Jane Hamsher (Firedoglake) all on notice that, by this time next week, I will have more hits on my web site than all of them combined. Actually, I'll probably have more readers than all blogs -- period.

How do I plan to pull this off with little ol' Because I have discovered the secret to getting the kind of non-stop media attention that was formerly reserved for something like a moon landing. Big-time fame is easy if you understand what today's national media goes for.

Yes, I've got it now and I'm going to let you in on it. I've given exclusive initial rights to my story to the Associated Press and, without spilling all the juicy details, I'll give you a sneak peek at what's going to take the corporate media by storm next week.

NEW YORK - All of America was rocked to the core today, when a Progressive blogger came forward to confess to the assassination of beloved American President, John F. Kennedy. Kennedy was shot on November 22, 1963 during a Dallas parade by an assassin believed by most to be Lee Harvey Oswald, who was himself killed just two days after he was arrested on suspicion of killing the nation's 35th chief executive.

Robert James Geiger, 49, who works in New York City but lives in a peaceful Westchester County suburb, had been exchanging e-mails with noted Kennedy conspiracy theorist, Sid Badura, and convinced Badura he was the killer by knowing painstaking details of the fateful November day. According to Badura, Geiger knew things such as the color of Kennedy's suit, the make of car the president was in, the type of weapon used and even the hospital to which Kennedy was taken with his mortal wounds.

"It was spooky," said Badura, still shaken three days after reporting Geiger to New York City police, who immediately arrested the liberal writer. "No man could know so many details unless he did the crime. I always knew Oswald was nothing but a patsy."

"Yeah, I did it," said Geiger, seeming to stifle a laugh when mobbed by a crowd of reporters. "I was there. Right there in the window of the Texas Schoolbook Suppository."

When told he had mistakenly identified the Texas Schoolbook Depository, Geiger stunned reporters by declaring "I was in both places. Yeah. That's it. That's the ticket."

"He's so nonchalant about the whole thing," gasped a television reporter from ABC News, fixing her hair and applying more makeup. "You would think he wasn't even there for the assassination, he's so eerily calm."

Meanwhile, Geiger's neighbors, who all described Geiger as a "quiet loner," expressed little surprise that the Navy Veteran had been arrested in the 43-year-old case. "Oh, that's all he talked about," said Jeff Tiedrich, who lives two houses away from Geiger. "All he ever talked about was confessing to the Kennedy killing and getting all kinds of publicity. I knew it was only a matter of time."

Geiger's new agent, Shifty McLean, said that his client is already fully booked with the media and can only urge all Americans to go to his web site,

"This is the biggest thing the media's seen since, well, John Mark Karr," said McLean as he juggled three cell-phone conversations at once. "Bob's got Rita Cosby on MSNBC for an hour tonight and then he'll be live with Larry King on CNN for an expanded two-hour show."

"I don't even wanna talk about tomorrow," continued McLean. "Court TV wants to video tape him all day, he'll be on Scarborough Country for the whole show, Fox News the rest of the night and Rush Limbaugh wants to talk to him about where Bill and Hillary Clinton fit into Kennedy's death."

Geiger's wife of 12 years declined comment, simply laughing at the roughly 200 reporters gathered around their home and saying "you people are idiots."

So there you have it. I give it 10 to 14 days before a newsroom Einstein -- probably a summer college intern -- puts two and two together and figures that, having been born in 1957, I would only have been six when Kennedy was killed. The whole house of cards will really collapse when they find out I grew up 700 miles away from Dallas and could not have pedaled my Big Wheel that far.

But, by then, I should already be taping a reality television series and a book deal should be in the works.

You can reach Bob Geiger at