Monday, April 11, 2005

The Fly On The Wall: White House Press Credential Interviews

And now, it's time for another episode of Fly on the Wall. This feature, a public service of the Yellow Dog Blog, gives you the opportunity to eavesdrop on meetings of vast importance. In this edition, we check in on press-credential interviews in the White House press office. Let's listen:

Press Officer: Good morning. For whom did you vote in 2004?

Reporter 1: Why?

Press Officer: National security question.

Reporter 1: Uh.... John Kerry.

Press Officer: Next!

Reporter 2: Sieg Heil! Don't mess with Texas.

Press Officer: Well, good morning! I guess I don't need to ask after that greeting, but for whom did you vote in 2004?

Reporter 2: Why, Dubya, of course. You don't think I would have voted for that tree-huggin', welfare-givin', Jane Fonda lover do you?

Press Officer: Well, some people did. In fact, [whispering] our people in Ohio say more people there probably voted for Senator Kerry than for the President.

Reporter 2: I always say, what the American people don't know, won't hurt 'em.

Press Officer: Bingo! You'll be a fine addition to our White House press corps.

Reporter 2: Praise Lee Atwater!

Press Officer: Now, can you give us some sense of what your actual background is in journalism?

Reporter 2: Well, I was editor of the Young College Republicans newsletter, The Right-Wing Fascist Weekly.

Press Officer: Catchy name.

Reporter 2: Thank you. Liberal campus administrators made us tone it down.

Press Officer: But have you ever actually done any reporting on a more national level and on government affairs in particular?

Reporter 2: I can't say I've done very much "reporting" in the traditional, liberal-dominated-media sense.

Press Officer: But you seem like our kind of guy. What is your journalism background?

Reporter 2: Well, I've written some very hot e-mails and posed for some racy nude photos on

Press Officer: Isn't that also a male escort or [whispering] male prostitution service?

Reporter 2: Prostitution is such a liberal way to put it. We liked to call them "male maneuvers" if you know what I mean.

Press Officer: Gotcha. We're actually far more concerned about the kind of questions you'll ask President Bush if we give you a White House press pass.

Reporter 2: Believe me, I know how to be gentle with another man.

Press Officer: Uh, OK. Well, let's try some questions. Pretend I'm the President and you want to ask about progress in the Iraq war.

Reporter 2: OK. "Mr. President, how do you answer critics who say we had no reason to invade Iraq, that the effort has ruined our reputation and is bankrupting the national treasury?"

Press Officer: Funny.

Reporter 2: Sorry, I kid sometimes. "Mr. President, are we close to leaving Iraq and turning the country back over to its own people?"

Press Officer: Softer....

Reporter 2: "Mr. President, how are you holding up under the strain of your tremendous responsibility?"

Press Officer: Softer still...

Reporter 2: "Mr. President, when are the liberals in Congress going to stop supporting terrorists and get behind your heroic efforts?"

Press Officer: Keep going...

Reporter 2: "Mr. President, will the Attorney General be filing charges against the activist judges who killed Terri Schiavo?"

Press Officer: That's it! Beautiful.

Reporter 2: I wasn't too harsh was I?

Press Officer: No, perfect. You're going to fit in just fine.

Reporter 2: Wow, to think, just last month I was dating men twice my age. Now I'll be a real White House correspondent.

Press Officer: Do you have any objections to us, uh, providing you questions to ask the President?

Reporter 2: Heck no. Saves me the trouble.

Press Officer: What's your name, son?

Reporter 2: Well, at they called me I.M. Huge, but you can call me Jeff. Jeff Cannon. Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Press Officer: And would it be possible for us to take another photo for your press ID? All the pictures you submitted are of you, well, naked.

Reporter 2: No problem.

Press Officer: Quick, who do you work for?

Reporter 2: The people!

Press Officer: Hey, hey, hey...

Reporter 2: Kidding!

Press Officer: Welcome to the Bush White House