One Family’s Plan to Win Back Congress

With the Republicans controlling all three branches of government, it’s been years since the Democratic party has been able to get the amount of free media time required to wage successful political campaigns. President Bush can get an hour of prime time to read “My Pet Goat” if requested and, if you’re not some other kind of venom-spewing, right winger, you pretty much need to be Michael Jackson, Natalee Holloway or the dude who fell off the cruise ship to grab the attention of the average American.

And it’s a tough nut to crack to become the majority party if you’re in the political minority, with the corporate media tilted decidedly to the conservative side and infinitely more concerned with dumbing-down the news than real reporting.

I have a plan.

Am I going to write letters to the editor, appear in public forums and publish insightful commentary on my blog? Now you’re just being silly.

After some careful planning and years of watching cable news shows, I’ve hatched a scheme to grab enough air time to subtly launch a million liberal talking points and thus seal Democratic takeovers of the House and Senate this year.

Hear me out on this one.

My wife and I leave for Aruba next week, where we will be seen frolicking in the local nightclubs before getting in a very unpleasant argument before many witnesses in the hotel bar. The next day, she will disappear into thin air. Of course, she’ll be perfectly safe as we intend to spirit her off to my rural hometown in Nebraska until we need to goose the ratings share we’re about to get. Believe me, nobody would think to look for a Jewish woman from New York City in Howard County, Nebraska. She’ll slap a “support the troops” sticker on her rental car and blend right in.

And, while not a blonde teen, she looks far younger than her years and is cute as a bug’s ear, so I figure we can count the time in nanoseconds before she’s plastered all over network and cable news and – this goes without saying – the only subject covered on MSNBC’s Rita Crosby Live & Direct.

This will finally get us the air time that seems to elude Democrats due to the mainstream media’s focus on trivial nonsense, instead of the real news and, believe me, my little boy and I will milk it for all it’s worth. Here’s my guess at how we’ll use some of our time with Ms. Crosby.

Rita: “Bob, you must be devastated. How are you feeling right now?”

Bob: “Well, of course I am very concerned for my wife’s welfare, but I’m equally worried about the human and financial cost to our country for a war that the president and the Republican party lied us into.”

Rita: (To my eight-year-old son) “And what do you think of your Mommy missing?”

Son: “I really miss my Mom!! But I think I’ll also miss many of the freedoms that a runaway executive branch is attempting to take from Americans and I worry about the corrosive effects a Justice Alito would have on our civil liberties.”

I figure that will be good for at least two weeks of wall-to-wall coverage, during which time both my son and I will refuse to answer any questions about our missing loved one, because she is “the subject of an ongoing investigation.” We will instead turn the discussion to whatever Democratic talking point we want to reach 50 million viewers that night.

I know what you’re thinking: This will run out of steam soon and then what will happen? I’ve already thought of that.

As soon as we drop below three hours a night of cable news coverage and Rita Crosby takes us off her speed dial, I’ll run away with another woman on – you guessed it – a Caribbean cruise. I have not yet selected a female accomplice for this platonic, bogus mission, but I have it narrowed to Christy (ReddHedd) at Firedoglake, Moxiegrrrl or Taylor Marsh.

After a couple of nights at sea with, of course, a heated argument in the middle of the Lido Deck, we will fake me falling overboard and disappearing without a trace. Christy, Mox or Taylor will naturally become a suspect and enjoy a couple of weeks of non-stop coverage – and, hey, who better than one of these three to stay on the Democratic message?

It’s all locking into place now.

Of course, our son will have to make all future appearances on Rita Crosby's show all by himself – after all, I’ll be missing -- but he’s a very sharp young lad and I think he can handle it.

Rita: “The whole country is praying for you –except the Religious Right, because your Mom and Dad are liberals – and I have to ask: How are you feeling with both your parents missing?”

Son: “Well, it’s kind of a drag and I miss them and everything, but I also miss the harmony George W. Bush promised when he claimed he would be a uniter and not a divider as president. And, of course, the situation with Alito and Roe v. Wade bugs me too.”

I predict we can soak this double-tragedy for weeks or as long as Christy, Mox or Taylor are willing to be hounded by the media for the real story of what happened “that tragic night at sea.” The fact that I slipped off the cruise ship dressed in drag (as a chubby woman from Alabama) will also add to the salacious newsworthiness of it all.

My wife and I will then come out from hiding. The whole country will be repulsed by the scam we have pulled – so much so, that they’ll stayed glued to us every precious minute we’re the top story on the television news. I estimate that will go on until August or so, at which time we will begin the national tour for our new book, Missing in Aruba and at Sea: As Phony as the Republican Leadership in Congress.

This will take us right up to November 7 when, based on thousands of hours of media saturation and mind-numbing repetition on GOP evils by me, my wife, our little boy and Christy, Mox or Taylor, Democrats will win massive control of both the House and the Senate.

I know there’s a chance this won’t work, but it’s a risk we have to take. I think all evidence would suggest that it’s a foolproof plot… Unless the media actually starts investigating real news again – then we’re screwed.

If so, maybe my wife will dye her hair blonde and we can try Bermuda next.