Friday, February 25, 2005

The Fly on the Wall: Bush and Putin

And now, it's time for another episode of Fly on the Wall. This show, a public service of, gives you the opportunity to eavesdrop on meetings of vast importance. In this edition, we check in on President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin's meeting yesterday. Let's listen:

Bush: Good morning, Vlad -- can I call you Vlad? Don't worry, I won't nickname you "Vlad The Impaler". He He He He He He. Anyway, it's a pleasure to be meeting once again with the leader of the U.S.S.R.

Putin: Uh, with due respect President Bush, that's Russia. We haven't been the U.S.S.R for a very long time.

Bush: Oops, sorry. I'm more embarrassed than one of those Swift Boat boys gettin' caught lyin' again.

Putin: That is fine, Mr. President. Perhaps you would benefit from your -- how do you call it? -- No Child Left Behind program.

Bush: Very funny, Vlad. Don't mess with Texas.

Putin: Most sorry, Mr. Bush.

Bush: So, Vladski, you gonna help me out with this democracy thing?

Putin: So we can be like your country, Mr. President?

Bush: Yeah, that's right. Land of the free. Home of the brave. Let freedom ring. All that happy horseshit.

Putin: What is this 'happy horseshit'?

Bush: Sorry. It's one of the things the Rovemeister makes me say to sound more plain spoken.

Putin: Very well. But I'm not sure the world admires your country as the democracy it once was.

Bush: What the hell's that supposed to mean, Vladenator? You people need to get to a society where every vote counts.

Putin: But doesn't your Republican party stay in power largely by suppressing votes?

Bush: Nonsense, Vlad, you need to get the straight story from Fox News. How about instillin' an economy of opportunity for all?

Putin: With greatest respect, Mr. Bush, hasn't your economy been in trouble since the day you took office?

Bush: Leftovers from my Arkansas cousin!

Putin: And haven't you taken services away from most citizens to give more money to your wealthy friends?

Bush: Patrons, Vladheim, they're called patrons in a free society. By the way, when you gonna clean up your pig sty? Free nations care about their environment.

Putin: But didn't you and Mr. Rove gut the Clean Air Act in your country?

Bush: It's called "loosening regulation," Vlad. No wonder you people are still serving turnips on the side at your McDonalds. OK, we can at least join together in Iraq. You, know, our war on terror?

Putin: President Bush, didn't your own 9/11 commission find that...

Bush: Hey, hey, hey!

Putin: ... Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, that there were no ties between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda, and...

Bush: You're messin' with Texas!

Putin: ...that there never were any weapons of mass destruction?

Bush: Just haven't found 'em yet!

Putin: So you essentially invaded another country for no reason.

Bush: That's it, Vladstein, you're next on the list!

Putin: What list is that, Mr. President?

Karl Rove: [whisper... whisper... whisper]

Bush: That's all the time I have for today, Mr. Primer Minister, Premier, King or whatever the heck you are. See ya in the funny papers.

Putin: Funny papers?

(At this point, Bush's handlers rapidly escort him from the room, the building and the country.)

Tune in next week when the Fly on the Wall will report on Condoleezza Rice giving the President remedial world history lessons.