Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Fly On The Wall: Life At The McClellan Household

And now, it's time for another episode of Fly on the Wall. This feature, a public service of the Yellow Dog Blog, gives you the opportunity to eavesdrop on meetings of vast importance. In this edition, we're privy to the inner sanctum of White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan as he arrives home after a hard day of lying to the national press. Let's listen:

McClellan: Hello, Friends of Freedom. I'm home. I want to begin with an update on hurricane recovery. The President continues to work closely with Congress to accelerate recovery efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Yesterday, the President signed two bills, that -

Wife: Please don't do that...

McClellan: Sorry, just trying to set the agenda.

Wife: How was your day, dear?

McClellan: The usual.

Wife: Tap dancing? Lying? Covering for George?

McClellan: We've talked about this before...

Wife: Sorry.

McClellan: Where's Scottie Junior?

Wife: Upstairs, hiding in the crawl space. He came home from school crying again today – the other kids won't quit calling him "weasel spawn."

McClellan: [Chucking] Crazy kids. I'll handle this. Scottie!

Wife: He doesn't respond to that name any longer.

McClellan: Scott!!

Wife: No, he doesn't want to be named after you any more.

McClellan: So what do I call him?

Wife: He prefers "Beelzebub.

McClellan: OK, whatever. Beelzebub!!!

Beelzebub: Hi, Dad. How was your day?

McClellan: Same old, same old.

Beelzebub: Deceiving? Misleading? Covering for George?

McClellan: Son!

Beelzebub: Sorry.

McClellan: I understand you're bothered again at school by these weasel comments...

Beelzebub: Yes! I'm tired of it. Why do you have to be such a, well, weasel all day, Dad?

McClellan: Now, son, you're from a long and proud line of weasels... Did I ever tell you about your great-great grandfather ---

Beelzebub: Shifty McClellan? Yeah, only a million times.

McClellan: Well, you can hear it again, young man. Being a weasel wasn't always considered a good thing, and...

Beelzebub: It's not considered a good thing now!

McClellan: And your great-great grandfather, as spokesman in County Cork, during the great potato famine, told starving people day after day that there were plenty of potatoes, that there was an ongoing investigation, that -

Beelzebub: I know, I know. And that it was the Kerry and Kennedy families spreading fear for nothing...

McClellan: And what else?

Beelzebub: Blame-gaming, Dad. They were blame-gaming.

McClellan: So you see, son, you have much to be proud of. Embrace your weaselly history. Why, someday you'll be able to prevaricate even better than your old man!

Beelzebub: Can I go back to the crawl space?

McClellan: Of course, Son. And, remember, it's only a lie if you don't believe it.

Beelzebub: [Sigh] I know, Dad. I know.

Wife: My mother's coming over for dinner – is that OK?

McClellan: The president and I consider your mother to be a valued ally in the global struggle for nightly sustenance and...

Wife: But do you mind?

McClellan: I've already answered that question.

Wife: Is that a yes or a no?

McClellan: It would be premature and irresponsible to speculate...

Wife: OK, OK, what if she brings dessert?

McClellan: There you go with the "what if" game again. And we can play "what ifs" all day long. I've made very clear that I'll work closely with your mother going forward, but right now I'm focused on seeing that food is delivered to our family tonight.

Wife: [Sigh] Are you going to mow the lawn this weekend? It's pretty damaged after all the rain.

McClellan: Well, again, in terms of the lawn and the rain, we're still focused on the immediate needs of the people on our street and working with them to make sure that our lawn is mowed in accordance with community standards. I'm determined to learn the lessons of the last time I mowed the lawn and --

Wife: Can you please just answer my question, dear?

McClellan: I think I just answered that question.

Wife: No, not really.

McClellan: I'm trying to say that the people of our street don't believe finger-pointing is going to help.

Wife: Can you just tell me what you're going to do differently? Last time you screwed up our lawn and then blamed it on the Mayor.

McClellan: Yes, I just talked to you about where my focus is and what we are doing. We want to make sure that we're --

Wife: So you're going to do it right this time?

McClellan: Meaning...?

Wife: Better than the last time.

McClellan: I think I've answered that question.

Wife: And, by the way, I see a lot of charges on our credit card for the Capitol Hill Chickenhawks Strip Club. I thought you and Karl weren't going there any more.

McClellan: Thank you. I appreciate your question and I'm committed to using all resources to discover what's going on with that.

Wife: But you signed for the charges...

McClellan: The economy has been very strong, but the markets and the fiscal conservatives are beginning to get very nervous about expenditures. Now, as for our personal credit card, that's hardly relevant, is it?

Wife: That's not what I asked. Are you going to strip clubs with Karl Rove after work?

McClellan: I'm sorry, but that's part of an ongoing investigation and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to comment on it.

Wife: Scott, it's just our credit card – tell me the truth.

McClellan: I think I've already answered that and I'm not going to indulge in blame-gaming.

Wife: You didn't answer it at all.

McClellan: Again, Honey, this is where some people want to look at the blame game issue, and finger-point. I'm focused on solving problems, and I'm doing everything I can --

Wife: I need a drink.

McClellan: Let's move on. Are there any further questions?

Wife: What do you think about vacationing in Venezuela this year?

McClellan: Well, I'm not trying to get into speculative matters at this point because we're all working together with Mr. Chavez's government...

Wife: Stop it! We've been through this in counseling. You can't give a straight answer, can you?!

McClellan: As I indicated last week...

Wife: Stop it!! Quick: What date is our anniversary?

McClellan: I believe that's a date we've been over many times before...

Wife: My God. What's our daughter's name?

McClellan: The president has full confidence in FEMA.

Wife: What??? What's our daughter's name?

McClellan: I think we both know what you're doing here...

Wife: Trying to get you to say one truthful thing, damn it!

McClellan: As, I've said, we're in the middle of an investigation and -

Wife: Aaarrrrrggghhhhhh!

McClellan: That's all we have time for today. Thank you.