Reader Mail: The Friday Fruitcakes

Well, it’s been a busy time at the Yellow Dog Blog so let’s take a long-overdue look at the mail bag and see what we’ve got...

Mr. Buddy Lane wrote me a couple of e-mails that were incredibly long, full of bile and laced with all kinds of insane ramblings. I was rather touched that he would take so much time to make me feel so important. Here’s some of it:

I am sick and tired of reading or hearing people like you and Cindy Sheehan make the vile statement that her son was taken from her. Please. He wasn't taken from her. He was a man! Not a child! You people, people who are out of their minds in boiling rage over a Republican president being re-elected, are so angry that you refuse to see the truth. You refuse to address reality. You refuse to see a bigger picture.

You addressed our president as cowardly. Wow, aren't you brave? I don't see you marching down to Pennsylvania Ave to say it to his face. Why is he a Coward? Because you disagree with his decision to go after Saddam?

You have used a bulldog for your logo and called it, Yellow Dog. Yeah, you got the yellow part right. Definition of yellow: easily frightened [syn: chicken, chickenhearted, lily-livered, white-livered, yellow-bellied], typical of tabloids; "sensational journalistic reportage of the scandal"; "yellow journalism". A dog is a loyal, it defends it's master. Your posting is more like the ramblings of a madman than some one who took time to investigate matters before you post them.

While I normally don’t respond to the right-wing crazies who send e-mails to me, I did give him the standard response that I send to all the tough-talking guys who write (not knowing that I actually am a Veteran) questioning my patriotism and/or manhood.

“Just so I'm being accurate: What branch of the military did you serve in and when?” I wrote to Buddy.

And it’s the strangest thing – I never heard from him again. Which leads me to believe he is a member of that proud, pro-Bush organization, the Chickenhawk Brigade.

But rather than call Buddy on everything he’s wrong about – whether it be Cindy Sheehan or my inability to simply request a meeting with the president to call him a “coward” to his face – I’ll respond with:

The Yellow Dog Blog’s Top Facts About The Name “Buddy”

• Number of Nobel Prize nominees named Buddy: 0
• Number of slobbering, slack-jawed, rednecks named Buddy (U.S. Only): 124,294
• Percentage of those in Red States: 97.4
• Rank of Buddy in popular American dog names: 3
• Among French dogs: 1,384
• Number of world leaders throughout history named Buddy: 0
• Number of prison inmates named Buddy: 32,942
• Rank of men named Buddy among those married to their sisters: 4 (following Cooter, Luke and Jeb)
• Odds that anyone named Buddy will cure cancer: 12,394,293,203 to 1
• Odds that someone named Buddy will be a right-wing nut job who writes labored e-mails to liberal bloggers: 22 to1

Thanks, Buddy! And to the rest of my wacky, conservative readers: Keep those cards, letters and e-mails coming!