Friday, December 23, 2005

Reader Mail: The Friday Fruitcakes

It's time to take our regular look at the Yellow Dog Blog mailbag and see what right-winger managed to sneak onto the family computer when Mom and Dad weren't looking.

A brand new entrant in our hate-mail roster, "GoBushGo," in an e-mail titled "Love it or leave it" writes...

Dear Yellow/Coward Dog,

What is it with you liberals. [sic] If you can't support our president and war like good Americans why don't you get the hell out of our country? Support Bush or get out!

A PROUD American
To which I respond...
Dear GoBushGo,

Aside from the fact that your love-it-or-leave-it ultimatum demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of what makes our country so wonderful – that we have the freedom and right of dissent – the U.S. Constitution expressly forbids us leaving for that reason.

I will quote directly from the 29th Amendment to the United States Constitution:

"While the right of the people to travel freely domestically and internationally, shall not be abridged, United States citizens are expressly forbidden from relocation to a foreign land, based on express or perceived dissent from the policies or practices of the federal government.

"Whether that decision is made independently or at the behest of right-wing troglodytes unfamiliar with the intent and scope of this document, it shall be the obligation of all Americans to remain domiciled within United States boundaries regardless of satisfaction with the executive, legislative or judicial branches of government. In times of war, buffoons who insist on telling fellow citizens to leave because of dissatisfaction with dissent, should be summarily ignored as this is a time when patriots of insincere intent most often reveal themselves."

So there you have it: I simply don't have the option of leaving.

OK, OK, OK. I made that up. There is no 29th amendment.

But I figured, given how few right-wingers like you actually seem to even know what's in our Constitution – much less understand it – I could blow that one by thousands of Republicans before a knowledgeable liberal finally called me on it.

Very immature of me.

However, given that I am familiar with the contents of our Constitution, I'm going to decline your polite invitation to leave. In fact, because I'm concerned with the happiness of all of my readers, let me know if you would like a list of every brutal dictatorship in the world, so you can consider moving somewhere more consistent with your philosophy.

Liberally Yours,

Tune in next week for another edition of the Friday Fruitcakes. And, for you hateful, self-loathing Republicans – keep those cards, letter and e-mails coming.