Thursday, November 10, 2005

Historical Disasters – With Ken Mehlman as Spokesman

I guess you have to admire someone who can remain so delusional and positive no matter how bad events have been, but sometimes you've got to wonder about the universe inhabited by Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman, who spent yesterday proclaiming November 8 as a banner day for GOP politics.

Jerry Kilgore did a swell job, Mehlman said, even though he had his ass handed to him by Tim Kaine in the Virginia gubernatorial contest and, despite running gutter-level television ads featuring bitter quotes by Democrat Jon Corzine's ex-wife, Mehlman cheerily lauded the GOP's Doug Forrester, saying that "...New Jersey is a better state because of their campaign.”

The people of New Jersey were only better following a hot shower after the race run by Team Forrester, which ended Tuesday in Corzine trouncing the Republican candidate to become the new Governor of the Garden State.

But since Ken Mehlman always has that strange, medicated smile on his face and sounds so upbeat regardless of reality, we thought we would look at famous historical disasters – but with Mehlman as the commenting spokesman:

The Titanic

“The good military men in command of the RMS Titanic enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to refill the galley’s refrigerators and freezers and are proud of the many patriotic passengers who took to lifeboats in an efforts to secure more ice for the ship. The president also stands by his commitment to extend corporate tax incentives for the White Star Line.”

Custer’s Last Stand

“General Custer was delighted by the enthusiastic welcome he received at the Little Bighorn yesterday and thanks the Lakota-Northern Cheyenne community for allowing him to be part of this historic event. We feel confident that the American people will long note General Custer's role in this historic occasion and that they will reject the nay-saying Democrats who can only second-guess how many men the General brought to the festivities”

The Hindenburg

"We take great pride that, under our Commander’s leadership, we have experienced the first zeppelin flight accompanied by on-board heat for our passengers’ comfort. It is regrettable that the Democrats have tried to gain political advantage by saying people suffered on this flight and we reject their ridiculous claims that the passengers and crew would have been better off with no fire whatsoever."

The Black Plague

"Once again, our opponents are reacting hysterically to this new, so-called 'black plague' that we are certain will turn out to be nothing more than a common cold, curable by a simple leeching. Their claims, here in 1347, that this will last until 1350, while spreading across France, Spain, Portugal, Germany, Scandinavia, Russia and Great Britain are nothing more than an attempt to promote their vision of socialized medicine. We are confident that all Europeans will see that lung infections, pus-filled lesions, 105-degree fevers, headaches, aching joints, nausea, vomiting, and internal bleeding will result in no more than a handful of deaths."