Friday, September 09, 2005

Fly On The Wall: Michael Brown's FEMA Job Interview

And now, it's time for another episode of Fly on the Wall. This feature, a public service of the Yellow Dog Blog, gives readers the opportunity to eavesdrop on meetings of vast importance.

Having seen the stunning indifference and uselessness displayed by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) in the last 10 days, we thought it would be instructive to go back in time and, as if by magic, hear FEMA Director Michael Brown’s job interview with George W. Bush and Karl Rove. Let's listen:

Karl Rove: Mr. President, this is Michael Brown – he's helped you get elected a lot in the last few years.

George W. Bush: Nice to meet you, Mikester.

Michael Brown: Michael.

Rove: The President likes to use nicknames, Michael. [whispering] Makes him feel like he's a secret agent.

Bush: So, do ya have any experience with disasters, Brownie?

Brown: Define “disaster,” Mr. President.

Bush: C’mon, you know. Hurricanes, earthquakes, Democrats takin' back the Senate – that kind of thing.

Brown: Are you serious, Sir?

Bush: Naw, just funnin’ you, Brownmeister. California votes Democratic so we’d give cash to before that Coast of Sinners will see any FEMA money.

Brown: No, I meant Democrats and the Senate... Never mind. Well, I was a commissioner in the International Arabian Horse Association.

Bush: Works for me! You must have had a few disasters on your hands with that job.

Brown: Well, kind of. We had a big outbreak of hoof rot one year… Oh, and Miss Arabian Filly 2003 was caught having pre-marital sex with a stable boy.

Bush: You fix that? First the women are havin' sex out of wedlock, then they want “choice.” Am I right, Brownheim?

Brown: Yes, Sir.

Bush: Have ya ever handled a big oil spill? We're expectin' more of those real soon.

Brown: Uh, my son spilled maple syrup at the kitchen table last weekend.

Bush: Did you finger-point?
Play the blame game?

Brown: Yes, but I blamed it on Bill Clinton.

Bush: Excellent. Ever had a bigger disaster?

Brown: Well...

Bush: Car accident?

Brown: Not really...

Bush: Do ya know CPR?

Brown: Yes! I took it when I was an Eagle Scout.

Bush: Good enough. We don't like to get hung up on “qualifications” as the Democrats call them. What do you think of them fellas, Harry Reid and Howard Dean?

Brown: They're, uh, Democratic leaders?

Bush: Try again.

Brown: Partisan blame-gamers?

Bush: C'mon, Brownstein!

Brown: Enemies of freedom?

Bush: Bingo!

Rove: Let's get down to brass tacks: Do you have any experience smearing someone?

Brown: Excuse me?

Rove: You know, if anyone interferes with the president's agenda...

Brown: Oh, I get it. I say “the president is committed to the highest quality of emergency preparedness.”

Rove: [snorts] Yeah, right.

Brown: “The president's partisan critics are not helping move FEMA's mission forward.”

Rove: No.

Brown: “The victims of Hurricane Cindy Sheehan are not comforted by divisive truth-telling”

Rove: Now, you're talking to me!

Brown: “Democrats are unpatriotic and are helping the terrorists.”

Bush: By Rove, I think he's got it!

Rove: Go back to your Game Boy, sir.

Bush: Sorry.

Rove: And what do you say if they really start going after you and you're totally stumped?

Brown: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11?

Rove: I think we have a winner, Mr. President. Mr. President?

Brown: Oops. Sorry, Turdblossom. Was just thinkin' about my next Crawford vacation. Ever clear any brush, Brownie?

Brown: No, but I have cleaned up after Arabian horses.

Bush: Good enough. Now there's a disaster. hehehehehehe.

Rove: Brown! Quick! Why is an earthquake so destructive to property and human life?

Brown: Because Democrats love terrorists?

Rove: And????

Brown: If we forget the lessons of September 11, the evil-doers win?

Rove: I've haven't felt this close to another man since Gannon left.

Bush: Welcome to Team Bush. Can I call you Disasternator?