Thursday, March 24, 2005

God to America: Get Off My Back

Dear America;

Hello, my children. While I love you and you are all precious in my sight, the United States is only 4.6 percent of my world's population and you're no more precious than the other 95 percent. So knock off the crap with the "God Bless The USA" and "God Bless Our Troops" car ribbons.

First of all, I have a lot to do, so get off my back. Americans may find this hard to believe, but there are many other people in the world who are just as important as you in my eyes. Some of them have even bigger problems than you like oh, I don't know, eating every day. Frankly, among all of my creations, you all don't look like you've missed many meals lately.

Second, I already bless the troops. I weep every night for my children – 1,500 Americans and tens of thousands of Iraqis – who have been killed in this stupid war.

Excuse me while I rant for a minute. I'm speaking to you, George W. Bush and followers: To paraphrase George's daddy, read my lips, thou shalt not kill! I can't be much more direct than this and yet you morons start a war for no reason and kill thousands of my flock. And don't even get me started on your death penalty. Knock it off. No killing – ever. Got it?

Also, while I'm at it, you are erasing all of Bill Clinton and Al Gore's positive impact on my most impressive creation, the earth. While my servant Bill did indeed sin in my eyes (and his wife's) he did great things to make the environment better. What is wrong with you guys? I worked very hard on creating the earth. If you worship me as much as you say you do – you're not just using my name to get votes are you? -- stop trashing my planet.

But, George, I gotta be brutally honest here. At this point it might just be best if you, Cheney, Rumsfeld, DeLay and that whole gang of sinners who embarrass me every day, just get buried face down when you leave this earth – so you can see where you're going. Sorry. I know that's going to bum you to hear that but I've just had it with you guys.

To my other children in America: I gave you all brains, so start making better choices in your leaders. There's still time for you and, if you don't stop this mock worship of everything I hold dear, that zany Saint Peter is going to be giving you the big thumbs-down too.

Bless you.

Your Father